Being autistic- Welcome to Part 2

If I had to count the number of people who I think value me, it would be over before the boxes on my pinky finger. Sure, I may be needed when things go south or if someone wants to cling to hope when life seems lost, but beyond that, people wouldn’t waste a breath.

The reason why I have highlighted the part ‘I think’ is because this is how I am concluding things. Call it my perception, schema, cognitive distortion, etc. I have reached this conclusion after observing patterns.

• To how many people, certain things make them remember me? 
• When did they last text/call me on their own? 
• Did they ever say ‘I love you’ knowing how much this phrase means to me?
• When was the last time they felt like this? If this person were in front of me, I would have hugged him right now, because I know all he craves is one good hug.

Sometimes, a long bear tight hug that leaves us breathless is the only thing that can help us breathe.- Peter Pat

And, lastly,

People call these things “imperfections,” but they’re not. That’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.- Good Will Hunting.

• So, how many people chose me and kept choosing me even when they got better (things/people/situations), or things got worse between us?

After all, I am limited, yet I am too much. I am autistic. 

I love a few movies and anime. I always watch them on repeat. So, I am gonna quote them.

Sam, do you think that if people knew how crazy you are, so they would never talk to you?- Perks of being a Wallflower.

People choose not to! After all, I am already ‘weird, creepy and whatnot!’ Why?

You see things, you understand- you are a wallflower.- Perks of being a wallflower.

Oh dear, I wish someone had told me that I am a wallflower because I see things. But that scares people- vulnerability, honesty, flaws. I don’t judge them, but they sure do! And, they do the next easiest thing- label, gossip, rumour.

“When people look at me, they just see the fox demon. They look at me like I’m some kind of monster. Nobody ever looks at me like I’m a person!”- Naruto Uzumaki

And those eyes, that judgement, the whispers, the things that say… and the others who only have enough guts to falsely console,

People often say, “Even if the going is tough now, keep living, and it will get better.” 

Easy for them to say. Just living is the most painful thing- Kakeru Naruse, Orange.

So, what do I live for? Rather, how do I live as an autistic when I can’t feel alive?

“I know that feeling… I know what it’s like to be alone!
I know that feeling so well!
I had no friends, and no one would even look at me.
Everyone in the village looked at me like I was some kind of monster…

“If you try to protect what’s precious to you… You’ll find your reason to live.”- Naruto Uzumaki

I wanna protect people like me, be there for them/with them. Because I know what loneliness feels like, how it feels to be helpless, how chillingly silent it is to walk alone even in the day, where all you have to accompany you are the demons of life hiding in the shadows. 

After all, this is the only thing I remember from my entire childhood after losing my mom, my family as an infant.

Oh, I was just wondering if I could jump off, if I could fly away, kinda like Superman. Hahaha, I wasn’t being serious. I was imagining that, maybe if I was Superman, I could have been able to save my mom. Just a joke…- Kakeru, Orange

There are countless cuts on my hands, my body, that are proof of how many times I have been so close to successfully giving up.

But. I eat and I stay alive. 

But, after a while, he runs out of things to keep himself numb.- Perks of being a wallflower

So, I don’t know how long it is. But, however long I can go, I wanna make a difference. 

People often have a to-do list or things they wanna do before they die. I? All I wanted was 

I want her to choose me- Lucifer

In my case, ‘them.’ Reminds me of

Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like nothing? We accept the love we think we deserve.- Perks of being a wallflower

Though someday,

• I just wanna make sure that the first person who kisses you loves you, okay?- Perks of being a wallflower

• • “You’re my friend. That’s why I’m not giving up on you.”- Naruto Uzumaki

• You are the best teacher I have ever had (hugs).- Perks of being a wallflower

• Hey, Will? I don’t know a lot. You see this? All this shit? It’s not your fault. Look at me, son. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.- Goodwill hunting