It’s shocking, isn’t it? For someone who doesn’t know how depression feels.
And, for someone who is also suicidal, I guess you can’t wait to read what’s further! Did things get better? Do I feel better? Because I clearly haven’t died as I am writing this blog. So, where am I right now?
Yes, I am suicidal as I write this. Even 2 weeks before, as I was speaking to my friend over a call, I googled “I wanna die” while the call was going on and TRUST ME, NOTHING WAS DISTRESSING ABOUT THE CALL. In fact, it was a good call with my close friend, but I still couldn’t let go of that emptiness, hopelessness, the thought that I am not loved enough, nor do I deserve that amount of love!
And, it’s been more than 2 and a half decades of living like this. And, it isn’t that I haven’t been in therapy or taken medications. I have had it for a long time, and it has helped me too! And, I have had really good days as well, where I have felt grateful.
But, suicide is my intrusive thought, my ground zero. But why? Let me tell you!
I have been suicidal as long as I can remember!
My first attempt was in my 2nd standard. I had jumped from my school’s football ground, only to break my leg.
But how can such a small child think of such an act? Well, when you grow up in an abusive environment where you are beaten to hell every single day and go to a school where you are constantly bullied for being different!
Yeah, I was an undiagnosed autistic. So, I was weird! But I was high-functioning, so no one cared, especially as long as I topped in the class. But all I wanted was a family, a friend, a teacher to understand.