How it feels to be a high functioning Audhd Adult; masking autism
I haven’t found a safe space where I can be MYSELF! Where I don’t have to
- Make/maintain eye contact
- Constantly evaluate- what I should speak
- Think a hundred times before asking for any form of accommodation, like wearing headphones in professional settings or asking someone to reduce the volume of their device in a social setting, just to name a few.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg! I haven’t found people whom I can freely ask for hugs because social situations and the sensory overload make me insanely anxious. Even in my daily routine, I cannot wear headphones because “people already perceive me as different” and they pretend to be kind enough not to call me unpleasant.
So, after everything when the day ends, I feel exhausted beyond repair. Yet, the next day, I am expected to behave normally and deliver all my projects before the deadline at the job. And, the worst part, I have to do all of this while being socially isolated, because I do not know how to make small talk or engage in conversations that cover my special interests.
So, I deliver and try my best to stand up to everyone’s expectations while suffocating myself. Of course, it’s unhealthy! It kills me! Legit, I think of killing myself every minute. It is my intrusive thought!
But, I can’t ask for inclusive resources from my social circles/institutions because people don’t even know “what autism is,” let alone have empathy towards me and establish a baseline of communication. Plus, those who do know about my autism don’t wanna try either! WHY? Because it will take some effort and what are they to gain out of it? NOTHING! So, here I am, surviving the struggles one minute, one hour, one day at a time……. with the help of my family, therapist, psychiatrist and my pets, favorite food and rituals.
Surviving everyday with food & other rituals as an autistic person
Surviving everyday with food & other rituals as an autistic person
Rituals are my biggest saviors! Because, MASKING MYSELF EVERY SECOND, I tell you, I swear to God, it’s so hard, it feels like the world’s ending, it is just so overwhelming! And, it feels I had better be dead!
But then, I recall the faces of people who love me and perform rituals (they are no way connected to religion). There aren’t more than 6 people (including my psychiatrist and therapist) and my pets who are there for me. So, when I die, I don’t want anyone but those 6 people and my pets to be at my funeral (sighs).
Elaborating on the rituals part,
Autism & the Need for Familiarity & Rituals (in my case, food among other things)
I NEED familiarity, routine and rituals! I literally cannot identify my toothbrush, if it’s misplaced, because I do not identify it with color but rather with the place I have kept it as it is a part of my ritual!
Similarly, I have nearly lost my shoes so many times outside temples because I remove them at the same place every time before I enter the temple and at times when they are misplaced, I would literally need minutes to remember how my sleepers look like!
You know what’s crazier? (Note, it may sound crazy to you but it is comforting for me)
I treat myself everyday! Yeah, it’s a part of my ritual where I will go to the same cafe and order the same food every time.
And, it’s not that I don’t eat at any other place, because I LOVE FOOD! But, i need familiarity with the taste and the texture, especially on the days (which is mostly everyday) I am burnout beyond repair!
So, even if I have to try other restaurants or cafes, I will go for the same food in their menu;
For example, momos. Usually I will have the same momos from the same cafe as a part of my ritual. But, incase I don’t get to go to the cafe because it’s closed, I will have the same type of momos from some other place because ‘familiarity!’
And as soothing and pleasurable this ritual is, it comes at a huge expense of 200-500 bucks each day! And, a huge basis of this ritual are sensory overload, social ostracization and social anxiety!
ASD & Social Anxiety, the perfect recipe for Social ostracization & a disability
- Is that person looking at me? Why? Should I go and ask? What if I embarrass myself? Leave it!
- Did I act appropriately?
- Why is there a sudden change in that person’s expression or behaviour? Did I do something wrong? How do I interpret it correctly?
- I am gonna sneeze shit! Was I too loud?
Every time I am in a place where it’s occupied by people, no matter if I know them or not, such thoughts would keep popping up. As a result? My heartbeats would act like horses gone crazy in a race for hours.
And, I experience such heavy Anxiety Attacks every day.
In such situations, my resilience towards handling sensory overload decreases as well! The normal noises which are anyways always amplified because of sensory sensitivity would be amplified even more, 100 times! Just for an example, try listening to this audio and do everything “normally and optimally.”
This is what a Sensory Overload feels like!
Imagine every sound around you being amplified and turned into a noise like this. The sound of someone chewing, their shoes rubbing on the ground, someone taking a sip from their cup of coffee, and people giggling. It feels as if everyone’s hammering my entire body to pieces.
And, in those times, I NEED SOMEONE TO HUG and HOLD ME TIGHT so I don’t fall to pieces. But, mostly I don’t have anyone! And, I can’t have my pets and family accompany me all the time! And, I do not know how to make friends or maintain social relationships…
ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)- The Social Disability
I do not know
- how to make small talks
- instinctively lie
- speak to people in general
- initiate conversations/make plans
- identify people’s intentions
- assert myself
- build boundaries…..
I literally copy paste other people’s patterns or behavior I see which is working for them. For example, If i see someone cracking a joke and making people laugh, I will crack the same joke in front of other people in the exact same way! So, you may think, oh, it works, and I WISH IT DID! But, creating that atmosphere with “the personality,” how do I do that? So it fails and creates nothing but awkwardness and distaste which I of course do not know how to handle.
Plus, as stated earlier, I can’t even have long lasting friendships as people find me too depressed all the time and unpredictable yet predictable at the same time!
Predictable that the shit’s gonna hit the fan! Something’s gonna happen and he’s gonna break down but when? That’s highly unpredictable. So, it’s just better to (s̶t̶a̶y̶ a̶w̶a̶y̶) draw boundaries. So. all my social needs have become as non-existent as the God in few people’s lives (including mine.)
I am an autistic survivor, and let this be my last message- how you can support and love me when I am alive
If you have read until now, thank you! It’s taken me more than 2 decades (and a few weeks) to write this. You must have been taken aback by the heading, but, well, struggling each day to live is a reality I live in! And, it isn’t that it can’t become easier! The 6 people I mentioned earlier and my pets save me every day, and there have been people in my life (have been because they chose to get out of touch) who made my life not just easier but actually worth living! And, of course, they don’t decide my life’s worth, but what is the life’s worth when you don’t have people to share it with! Outside my pets and family, I too need friends, a partner, a sibling…. So, if you wanna be one of them,
- Keep my secret identity a secret- For someone who masks all the time, there have to be solid reasons for it! So, keep it to yourself if I tell you, that I have Audhd. Let it me by choice to reveal my identity. (yes, autism & adhd are my identity, they are a huge part of me and will always be.)
- Be my advocate- Observe me! Ask me things. Look up on the internet. Research. Read about autism and adhd and how autistic adults function, the difficulties we experience due to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I am different, yes, but WHY? You also have to work to know that! Because explaining is as exhausting as masking. I am not denying communications or questions. Nothing would make me more happy than you trying to learn more about me! But, just don’t make it my job to tell you about me…
- Talk- Even if it’s 10 mins a day, speak to me! And, I am not just asking you to care for me, ask how my day was; no, I want you too to share things. Maintain a balance. I might not react like other people or may not how to react in the first place, but know that autistic people are capable of empathy and understanding.
- I fixate- I may like all your stories or posts. I would observe the tiniest things about you. I will share all the memes/posts that I think you may like. I would try to know everything you like or dislike. I would share all sorts of things with you without thinking twice! I would trouble and irritate you. Not because, I maybe obsessed with you. NO! Just, these are my ways of showing affection, care, respect and love. A lot of Autistic people experience emotions very deeply and I am one of them! And, I take pride in that! So, while it maybe discomforting in the beginning, know that small things can make the greatest moments of your life!
- Physical touch is my love language and I need deep pressure- I love holding hands, tilting my head on people’s shoulder, sleeping with my head on their lap or wrapping my arms around, hugging, etc…. Ofcourse I take consent most of the times! And, physical (not sexual) intimacy is as important to me. And, at times, when I experience anxiety or sensory overload (which is most of the times), I need deep pressure (hugging or someone holding hand tightly, so just hug me, if you see me stimming (repeating same moments or words) or anxious (yeah you can see it on my face literally.) or just out of the blue to shower love :).
I know I didn’t speak anything about ADHD, but well, I know this itself is too much, so let’s save it for another blog! A huge thanks to Home of Beautiful Souls Foundation for providing me with this platform! If you are neurodivergent too, or you think you may be after reading this blog or are just looking for a therapist or a psychiatrist, reach out to them as they have neurodivergent affirmative and trauma-informed therapists and psychiatrists.